What Is the One Thing That Makes for a Great Marriage? And Why Is That One Thing Different Depending on Your Gender? Find out Here

Do you know that Christmas story by the writer O. Henry.   It goes something like this. This poor young couple has nothing to give each other at Christmas.  But the woman has this beautiful long hair.  So out of love for her husband she sells her hair to buy him a chain for his beloved pocket watch, a gift from his father.  At the same time, the man sells that very same pocket watch to buy his wife a beautiful tortoise-shell clasp for her long hair.   So Christmas arrives. They open their gifts.   And as they look at these now useless gifts, they realize that in these gifts they have received a gift far more significant. They now know that they love each other so much they are both willing to lay down what they value most to give for the other.  It’s a great story.  But s that the way it really works in the world of relationships?   I think this darker version gives a more painfully accurate perspective.    

As in O”Henry’s story, my poor young couple also has nothing to give each other at Christmas.  And the wife, Jane then sells her hair for a watch chain for her out-of-work, discouraged husband.  Meanwhile the husband, Tom, after a hard day of job-hunting  grabs a drink with his buddy Jim before heading home. He tells Jim, “This Christmas stinks.  I don’t have a job.  I don’t even have a gift for my wife.”  And Jim says, “No problem, Tom, here’s 20 bucks.  Go out and get something.”   Tom remembers that she was complaining about the tea kettle.  So off he goes to Target to to get one for his beloved.  As he drives home, he’s feeling better.   “At least I got something,” he thinks.  She’ll see that I’m trying to do right by her.”

But Jane is at home, wondering. “Where is Tom?  He better not be drinking with Jim, after I sold my hair to buy him this gold chain.”  Tom comes in the door smiling.  He places the Target bag on the table.  “Merry Christmas, sweetheart”   Jane looks in the bag.  She sees the tea kettle.  She thinks, “A tea kettle?  This is the best he can do?”   She throws her gift across the table and pulls off her hat.   “Look, I cut my hair off for you to buy you this chain, and the best you can do is a tea kettle?  But Tom doesn’t really understand what’s happening.  He turns to his wife, “What happened to your hair?”   Janes yells back.  “I cut it off for you.  Don’t you understand, I cut it off for you.”   But Tom is thinking, “I liked her hair, and yes, the watch chain is nice, but she had such nice hair.”  He assures her, “Don’t worry, honey, it’ll grow back in, and you’ll look as beautiful as when I first married you.”   But this comment does not have the effect that Tom thought it would.  The fight just gets worse.   Tom thinks, “I did the best I could, and it doesn’t count for anything.”   So out the door he goes to get Jim’s feedback and sympathy.  As the door slams, Jane thinks, “I can’t believe it.  My husband is going back out drinking on Christmas Eve?”   15 minutes later, as Tom walks into the bar, she calls him, telling him that he better get his little tookus home right now or else.  Tom looks to his buddy, Jim, and says, “Bro, don’t ever get married.  Your life is no longer your own.”   Sadly, he puts on his coat and heads home. 

Now how do you make sure that your marriage looks more like the first story, and less like the second?   In these words, God shows you the way.  Let’s hear what God has to say.

Ephesians 5:21-33

The preacher Andy Stanley said.   I have never seen an ugly wedding but I have seen lots of ugly marriages.  But how does that happen?  That question can have lots of answers, but in the words we just read, God points to maybe the most important answer of all.   What often messes up marriages has to do with men and women, how they relate to each other in marriage or rather don’t relate to each other, at least well.  How do men and women in marriage come together to make their relationship work?  Here God tells you.  God says.  Making your marriage work lies in you giving up your power, and that giving up tends to look different depending on your gender.

At the beginning, Paul makes it clear.  In marriage, both men and women have to give up power.   That’s why the passage begins with these words.  “Be subject to one another, out of reverence for Christ.”    This passage does not endorse a lack of equality that places men above women in marriage.   Instead, you could say it endorses a sort of mutual inequality.  Each partner need to give up their power to the other, and this this giving up tends to look different, depending on your gender.

How does it look different?  Let’s start with how giving up power usually looks like if you are a man.   Why start there?  Because God took twice as much space to talk to men here as he did to women, so it makes sense to begin where God put the emphasis.   

In these words, what does God, through Paul, tell men to do?  He tells them to love their wives.   And in that command God is showing men the power they have in marriage.  The more men effectively take the lead in loving their wives, the better their marriage will be.   But here’s the problem.  Men often don’t take the lead.   Out in the world, in the workplace, with their friends, men often take the lead but in their marriage, not so much.   What do I mean?   In marriage, men tend to get lazy. So they don’t treat their wife like their lover, but more like their mother.   So here’s the pattern that typically develops in many marriages.   

In marriage, the women dress them.  They decide what they’re going to eat.  They give instructions on the kids.  They deliver their “honey do lists” so they know what they’re supposed to be doing and when.     Now men think that this is just great.  Everything is good.  I’m being a good husband.   But usually the woman is not thinking that at all.  She is thinking, “When is this guy going to take the lead around here?  Why am I always the one who has to tell him what I need, what I want, what needs to be done, what he needs to wear, what matches and doesn’t, what he needs to eat and not eat?  This is ridiculous”   

Why is she thinking that?  It’s because all this passivity sends a powerfully hurtful message.   The man is communicating that this relationship isn’t important enough for him to take the initiative.  I’ll do that at work.  I’ll do that with my buddies.  But here, in my home, with my wife and family, I don’t think so.   And that’s the power men need to give up, this power of entitlement that lays back on leadership in the very place their leadership is needed the most.   They must lay down this power that lays all the responsibility for nurturing and sustaining the relationship on the woman. 

Now this is hard for men, because what our partner needs to feel, men often don’t.  At times, my wife has said to me.   I think you’re angry about something.  I can tell.  And I say, “No, I don’t feel angry at all.” Then a few days later, I’ll come back and say.  “You know.  You were right.  I was angry.  I realize that now.”   And she looks at me stunned at how a person can be angry and not even know it.  But for lots of guys, that’s perfectly normal.     So trying to take the lead with this person, whose emotions are often so much more on the surface than our own, that’s hard.  It requires men to get out of their comfort zone, to do things that for them may not seem all that necessary at all. So a man can ask.   “Why in the world does she need that to feel loved by me?”           

That’s why Paul says to men, “Men, when your body is hungry, what do you do?  You feed it. ”    Paul knows.  Men may not know if they’re really feeling angry, but they sure know when they’re feeling hungry.   So Paul says what you know how to do for your body, you need to learn how to do for your partner.  What your marriage needs is your loving, sensitive and proactive leadership.   What does this look like? 

It may mean going home and saying to your wife, “This year, I’m going to shop for my own clothes, and I will work hard on buying something that will show I care about my appearance.”  It could mean saying.  “This week, I will take the kids for a night so that you can go out and spend time with your friends.”    It might mean taking the lead in making your own Honey-do list, and then actually getting it done  or setting up a date night or picking up some flowers to surprise her one evening.   The specific actions can differ, but what matters is that you are doing them.  You as the man are taking the lead in the loving, the lead in making the relationship strong, the lead in making your partner feel valued.    You are saying to your wife.  I cherish you.  I will make you and this family the top priority of my life…….But what if this happens?  What if a man gets serious about taking more responsibility in the relationship?  What if he starts really working to show that he cares about his wife’s needs not simply by his words but by his actions?

Then something like this can happen.  The woman thinks, “I know this guy.  I love him, but no way can he pick out his own clothes, and if I leave him with the kids, he’ll probably lose one of them.  And he’ll never be able to put together a decent to do list.  And, if he sets up a date night, who knows where we might end up?”   So she resists giving over any of this power and responsibility.  When she reacts this way, the guy usually doesn’t push back.  He gives up.  He goes, “Oh well, what’s the use?  And it’s back to business as usual.”  

And that’s the power that the woman has to give up, her need for control, her unwillingness to let go and trust her partner, even when he doesn’t do it exactly as she desires.  A woman has the power to destroy her marriage by shaming her partner, by communicating to him directly or indirectly that he is not worthy of her respect or confidence.   What does this look like?  

  

Let’s say a husband brings home a box of chocolates to his wife for Valentine’s Day.   But she asks, “We’ve been married for ten years, and you still don’t know that I like the truffles and not these?”  Well, the next year, the husband, now feeling burned, backs away from responsibility.  He thinks, “I’ll get a Godiva gift certificate, and that way, she can pick up exactly what she wants.  No more problems.’   Now the wife is more upset.  She doesn’t understand why he couldn’t go to the trouble of picking the chocolates himself.   So what is this guy’s problem?

At the risk of gross oversimplification, here’s the problem.   For women, often what they most need from their spouse is to feel their partner’s love and affection.  And what do men need?  They need to know they have their partner’s respect.  And the less they have it, the less confident they feel to take the lead in loving that their spouse needs.  That’s why when Paul talks to women, he focuses on respect.  Paul is saying.  You empower your partner when you affirm any responsibility he takes instead of critiquing it.  You set him up to succeed.   So when men begin taking responsibility, then women have to let go and let them, and affirm them in those steps, as feeble as they might be, instead of reacting critically.  What does this look like?   Maybe something like this.

 “Honey, you are so amazing for bringing these chocolates, and Godiva too, very impressive.  But if sometime, you could bring me some of their truffles, well, then you would just send me right into heaven.”   Guaranteed that man will be buying truffles and soon.  Or for a more pedestrian example, “When you pick your underwear off the floor, it makes me feel so good that you’re being sensitive to how much responsibility I have with the house and the kids.  It really is thoughtful.”   Well the man feels like he is a success and maybe not only will he pick up the underwear, he might even take on some more household chores.   Or, “You did such a terrific job with the kids this afternoon.   Thanks so much.”   Now as he succeeds there, he might take on a whole weekend with the kids in the future.  When a woman sets up her husband to succeed, even when it means letting go of a responsibility that she thinks she could do better, she is letting go of her power to destroy her partner by shaming him and not respecting him.

Now if you are thinking, “Yep, my partner needs to stop criticizing me like she does.”   Or, Oh, he so needs to take more responsibility for nurturing this relationship.”   Guess what?  That’s not your job.   Your job is not to change your partner.  Your job is to change yourself.

But how do you do that?  How do you let go of that power, whether it be entitlement or control?  You look to the one who gave up everything for you.  When you walked away from God, God didn’t.  God took the lead in winning your love back.  In Jesus, God even became one of you.   In Jesus, he showed you that he cherished you so much that he gave up his very life for you.   And in that love, God relinquished control as well.  Even when you were at your worst, Jesus never condemned you.  Instead on that cross he prayed this for you.  Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.    As you see how God took the lead in loving you, through that grace and love you will discover more and more the power to take that lead in your marriage.  And as you see how God let go for you, how God always affirmed you, you will gain the freedom to let go of control and affirm your partner.    And as you do, your marriage will blossom and grow into the beautiful creation that God intended it to be, a creation that even mirrors God’s amazing love for you.